


I Wanna Be Your Everything And More

by BrokenBlush



Category: BBC Radio 1 RPF, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drinking, First Kiss, Harry loves Nick, Lack of Communication, M/M, POV Multiple, So much angst, Unresolved Tension, and about ruining their friendship, and about the other person not returning their feelings, and nick loves harry, but they don't know about each other's feelings, i did say it was angsty, i made myself a mess writing this, lots and lots of feelings, so essentially theres a lot of worries in this, worries about distance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-09
Updated: 2017-09-09
Packaged: 2018-12-25 12:15:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12035694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrokenBlush/pseuds/BrokenBlush
Summary: The big pile of emotions Nick felt for Harry was slowly but surely getting out of control and he knew he needed to shut it down, but every moment they had together just made it harder and even when Harry was away and he was beginning to get over him, he'd fall right back into the trap the moment Harry was home.But then Harry's nose was nudging at Nick's chin, with his eyes looking up through his lashes, all wide and soft. Harry was so close and Nick could hear his breathing and feel it casting over his skin and it took everything he had in him not to react.And before he knew it, Nick's hand was twining into Harry's curls, not pushing him away or pulling him closer, just securing him there, and Nick knew it wasn't good, he couldn't have Harry so why he was tempting himself was beyond him, but he simply couldn't stop.Then Harry shuffled forward, balancing his hand against Nick's side and the other at his neck, and drove forward until their lips were touching, light and gentle as Harry nudged them together.Or in which Harry was leaving tomorrow, and Nick took him out for the night, then Harry got drunk, decides to act on his feelings at long last, and Nick can't deal with it.





	I Wanna Be Your Everything And More

**Author's Note:**

> So, I came to the conclusion what would gryles be without a heavy dose of angst.
> 
> So this is my contribution to the lovely gryles angst pool.
> 
> I know I said this with my last one shot, but I feel like properly content with how this turned out. I didn't feel too good about my past gryles but now I'm like here and ready to ruin myself by writing them and I'm loving it. So I hope you enjoy it too.
> 
> Harry gives himself the courage to act on his feelings with alcohol just to warn you in advance in case that bothers you.
> 
> You can also find me on [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/brokenblush) for more gryles if you desire.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this. Thank you very much for reading xxx

"You alright Harry? You don't look like you're having the best time love." Louis whispered sharply, leaning into him to make sure his voice carried over the constant layers of chatter from the rest of the guests around the table, but also trying to keep quiet as to not let them in on Harry's rather apparent misery.

Harry let his head drift upwards to look back at Louis, he tried to put some enthusiasm into a nod but by the quirk of Louis' eyebrow, he wasn't exactly sure he'd pulled it off.

The problem was, he didn't exactly want to be there. Some fancy meal the management had set up to congratulate some new member of the team on their position didn't really fill Harry with joy, especially not when he was due to be flying out to LA first thing in the morning for a month or so to finish their new album.

But nevermind all that, he had plans with Nick that night, plans he had to cancel purely because of this obligatory dinner, and considering this was the last chance he'd have to spend time with Nick before he left, he vehemently protested to missing out on their evening together.

Sure, they'd been hanging out all week - most of the time he'd been in London, to be fair. But that didn't stop the sinking feeling in his chest whenever he thought about missing time with Nick so soon before he left.

It also didn't help that it was Sunday night, and Harry knew Nick usually headed to bed early for the radio in the morning, so they wouldn't even have that much time together after this meal was over.

Harry had only found out about this event a few hours prior, which was a bit last minute to make it obligatory he felt, but he couldn't exactly argue. He did wish he'd at least have had some warning though, so he could've planned something earlier with Nick, but as it was they hadn't seen each other all day, and no matter how desperate or silly it sounded, Harry had to see Nick before he left.

Nick seemed to feel the same, however, when Harry had passed on the message that he couldn't be around for the home cooked dinner they were planning, Nick had suggested Harry could just pop over as soon as the meal was over, that way they could at least have some time together before they went.

It was the only thing getting him through this dinner honestly, the thoughts of leaving Nick were hard enough as it was, let alone not being able to see him beforehand. So now that it was planned that he still could, he at least had something to look forward to.

However, Harry wasn't exactly sure how it was going to go down, ever since he'd gotten to know Nick, it had gotten harder and harder every time he'd had to leave.

The long standing crush he'd already had on Nick had blossomed into something further, so now it was like every time he saw the man his heart swelled that little bit more, and the more time he spent away from him, the longer he ached to be with him.

He didn't even think it was possible that his feelings could grow to such an extent, initially he thought a little time apart would clear his crush up altogether, but with all his time away, he just spent it thinking of Nick, tuning in to listen to Nick at ridiculous hours of the morning, or thinking of ways they could ever work out. And then it was pretty clear his feelings were more than just a crush.

And now that he was home, no shows every night or long journeys around America on the tour bus, his feelings had only grown stronger still, and now Harry was undoubtedly in love with him.

The first night when he'd showed up at Nick's doorstep after however many months apart, he felt as though he was falling all over again.

And ever since then he kept on finding little excuses to pop round, his latest one included going so far as making an actual cake, just to take around and share, which- yes, was a bit extreme, but Nick didn't exactly object, his eyes lit up and his door flung open and then next thing they knew they'd crashed on the sofa with crumbs scattered on the cushions.

Harry knew he didn't even need an excuse, Nick had said multiple times he was always welcome, but in a way, he felt it helped justify it to himself, if he kept thinking about how he was going over there purely because he was in love with him, well then he'd never get anything done.

Sometimes Harry even surprised himself at how hard he was falling for Nick, he wasn't quite sure how it'd happened, he'd always known of Nick growing up and he'd be lying if he said he wasn't a bit fond of him, but since actually meeting him after X Factor and from spending all that time together afterwards, the warmth he felt towards him just escalated.

Harry just couldn't focus on anything else around Nick, it was as if every little thing paled in comparison to him. And the more time that went on, the more he wasn't sure if he could keep their friendship going with all his feelings hidden.

He felt as though it wasn't fair on Nick, pretending they were friends when deep down Harry burned for more.

He just wanted to be near him in any vicinity, whether he was by his side at dinner, or cuddled up next to him on the sofa, just anything really. He just craved his presence and his ridiculous sense of humour and his laugh and God Harry had fallen so hard.

His heart was weighed down with worry that spilling his feelings out to Nick would mean he wouldn't want anything to do with him, and it iced his core to imagine their friendship ruined over his feelings.

There was no way Harry wanted anything to get between them. He needed Nick, he craved him close in every way, and if being his friend was all he could have then that was okay, no matter how much he wanted more, the chance of risking what they already had was too much.

But lately, the number of times Harry had come close to letting it slip was alarming. The nights where Harry had stayed over a bit too late and Nick was starting to doze off with a peaceful look and his body heavy against Harry's and all he wanted was to touch their lips together, or when they'd snuck out for one of Nick's DJ gigs and Harry would sneak up the front and get lost in the rhythm and look up to see Nick grinning back at him and he'd feel the urge to confess it all.

He loved him, and it was getting harder and harder not to yell it from the top of his lungs whenever the opportunity arose.

The last near miss was less than a week ago, Harry had accidentally dozed off on Nick's sofa after trying to catch the end of some movie he'd stuck on earlier, and when he'd woken up to the sound of Nick's alarm, his head was resting up against Nick's shoulder, with a blanket tossed over the pair of them.

Nick turned it off instantly as Harry rouse the energy to blink his eyes open, and when he did he was met with Nick's sleepy smile and a gentle apology for waking up, before telling him to go back to sleep, he'd be back later. The words were on the tip of Harry's tongue, waiting to roll out before he woke up entirely and the flashing red lights telling him to stop had kicked in. And in the end, the only thing that stopped him was his minor lack of courage and knowing Nick had to rush off to work.

Harry wasn't exactly sure how much longer he could carry on with this heartache, he'd spoken to Gemma about it a couple months back once tour had officially started, and she'd told him to just go for it, the worst outcome was his feelings being unrequited.

But Harry knew there was another whole level to that which he couldn't even begin to explain, he just couldn't lose Nick or their friendship, and that's what it kept coming back to every time. 

He couldn't deal with loving him so strongly and not being able to say a word, but the thought of losing him was just too much, leaving him at a somewhat constant crossroad that he never seemed to venture past.

He just needed something to let him cross that barrier. He'd debated confessing to one of his and Nick's mutual mates, just to see if they thought they had a chance at working, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it, he wasn't sure how he'd even go about it to start with. Harry had even tried to get a read on Nick himself but the hope he had that he did return his feelings got in the way just a bit.

Every time Harry had said something a little bit over the lines of friendly in the past, Nick had either laughed for lack of words or changed the subject, and Harry had no idea what that meant. He was just glad Nick hadn't pushed him away because of it.

The chances of Nick returning his feelings, after all, were slim. Harry knew Nick didn't exactly do relationships - claiming he wasn't very good at them or whatever else, and Harry didn't expect to swoop in and change that, but the hope that just maybe Nick felt the same spurred him on more than it probably should have.

Harry knew he couldn't wait on his feelings forever, soon enough time would pass them by and their friendship would never be anything more, or even have the chance of it.

Harry just needed to do something about it. And somehow being home the past few weeks had reinforced that into his head more than ever. Spending time with Nick again and being around him so often had just increased the urgency.

The timing was less than ideal, he was leaving again tomorrow for fuck's sake, but maybe that was for the best if Nick wanted nothing to do with him he could at least stay away and not have constant reminders of him everywhere.

He didn't even know why he was considering it, it wasn't as if he had to courage to act on anything anyway. The dinner was just messing with his head, missing out on the plans he'd had with Nick had just sent his head into overdrive and when he spent too long thinking about his feelings, they simply overwhelmed him.

Harry just needed to enjoy the dinner as best he could, get round to Nick's, and have a nice night. And if he acted on anything, then at least that would be that.

Then he attempted to shut his brain off while chugging back his glass of wine, then tried to immerse himself in the conversations buzzing around the table while he waited for the time to pass until he could see Nick.

***

Harry finally rocked up at Nick's house around twenty minutes after he'd made his brief goodbyes, managing to get across London at twice the speed he probably should've got there in by making a desperate plea to his driver to step on it.

It was almost ridiculous how much better he felt just from standing outside Nick's door, hearing his feet slip across the floor from inside to unlock it when he rung the bell was already making his chest pound with excitement and maybe just a hint of affection.

"Harry," Nick grinned as he opened the door, "Your posh dinner over then?"

"Yeah, I came right here" Harry gestured down to his rather smart attire to express his rush, smile already bright on his face.

"How lovely, I've always wanted a dashing young pop star in his slacks to come knocking on my door." Nick marvellously grinned, swinging the door open and drawing himself aside to let Harry stumble in before continuing, "I've got X Factor on."

"Ooh that's exciting, love a bit of our origins, eh Grimmy?" Harry joked, trying to hide the rush of warmth washing over him fighting to coat his limbs and senses with love.

Nick settled himself back into the sofa, throwing a cushion aside to make space for Harry next to him, which Harry happily jumped into with a giggle before popping open the next two buttons on his shirt and tucking himself in to face Nick next to him instead of the TV.

"Harold, I'm midway through this episode and you won't be able to keep up if you stare at my head all night."

"It's X Factor - you don't have to keep up with it," Harry protested, rather content to just let the soft sense of comfort fill him as he gazed over Nick's features, trying not to dwell on the fact he might not be seeing him like this for some time, while simultaneously not thinking of anything but that.

Harry knocked his head into Nick's shoulder, like an angry sheep trying to escape their pen, then huffed out a short content laugh, unsure if the route of it was the multiple glasses of wine from earlier, or simply feeling drunk off Nick's presence. And quite frankly he wouldn't be surprised if it was a healthy dose of both.

He couldn't deny how endlessly content and at ease being with Nick instantly made him feel, the difference from how he felt at dinner in comparison to now was huge, all because of Nick.

And Harry didn't quite know how to deal with that, he knew he loved him, but he didn't know what to do. The same old things kept running through his head, only this time he could physically feel what Nick was doing to him and he just knew he couldn't lose it.

He couldn't let his thoughts spiral, that much he knew, being in Nick's presence both distracted him from the pressing worries in his head and brought them right to the front at the same time. Harry wasn't quite sure how he did it, but he'd questioned how Nick made him feel enough lately, he didn't need to add this to the list.

Harry was just confused, and considering he would normally come to Nick regarding these issues, he didn't know where to turn. He'd never felt like this before, hadn't even really been in a proper relationship let alone been in love. So he was in completely new territory.

His instincts told him to go for it, they could deal with the aftermath when it happened. But there was so much to risk, he couldn't lose Nick.

Eventually, Harry's head turned him into a jumble of conflicting emotions towards everything, well, besides his feelings for Nick in the first place, those were quite clear, but everything else - not a clue.

But then he felt Nick's shoulder move where he'd rested his head, "You asleep there Haz? That was fast. Should've timed that, maybe you'd have gotten a world record for fastest time to fall asleep against some poor old blokes shoulder."

Harry perked up instantly at the sound of his voice, happy to let Nick try to distract him from the mess that was the inside of his head, holding back a giggle as he lifted his head back up before Nick spoke again, "Oh, he's alive, thank God."

Nick looked so gorgeous with his face pulled into a lazy smile with a tilt in his head as he looked at Harry, and it just made Harry's heart swell. He wanted to lean over and snog his face off, but he held back, as he always did.

Harry returned his smile, albeit a little weakly, feeling overwhelmingly drowned by his emotions. He couldn't even enjoy his remaining time with Nick without his heart getting in the way.

Nick seemed to notice instantly though, which caused yet another wash of warmth to shoot through his core before spreading around his body, making him feel as if he were floating.

"Harry? You good love? Did Simon wear you out? That man doesn't know where to stop with his fancy dinners and pop star business." Nick choked out a laugh but narrowed his eyes as he glanced over at Harry with a look Harry thought might be concern.

Harry took a moment to realise first it was Louis who was concerned at dinner, and now Nick. Were his feelings really troubling him to the point of being noticeable? He had to do something about all of this - he couldn't keep this up with people asking if he was alright, it would only spiral into worry and he didn't want them to worry over something as silly as his feelings.

"I'm alright," Harry mumbled, he heard the words muffle as he pressed his head back into Nick's arm, steadying himself with the leftover smell of his aftershave while he tried not to get caught up in it. "Just a bit off about tomorrow."

"About LA? I thought you were heading out to do some recording, that's always fun, right?" Nick questioned, his voice coaxing and gentle and it made Harry want to melt into his arms and confess everything he's ever felt towards him.

But instead, he pulled himself together, focusing on Nick's hand that'd slipped its way to rub circles around Harry's knee, then said, "Yeah, it should be good - I just," love you and the thought of leaving you haunts me, he finished in his head.

Harry took a breath, curled his arm over Nick and around his waist as he sunk into him then attempted to explain again, "I just don't really want to go." He mumbles, feeling a bit pathetic really.

It was his job after all, and don't get him wrong he loves it, playing shows and recording music, eager with excitement to release it to the fans, he just ached for more. More with Nick to be precise.

Harry felt Nick stretch his arm around Harry's back to give him more room to nestle in properly, and - fuck Harry loved this, the comfort they had with each other and knowing he was safe cuddling up like this and it was alright.

What they had was comfortable and good and the closeness they already had meant everything to Harry, no matter how much he craved for them to be more, he was happy here, in Nick's arms.

"You'll be back soon though, yeah?" Nick sounded almost a bit uneasy, which Harry didn't quite understand, he hadn't said anything he thought would get a reaction out of Nick but what did he know anymore.

"Course I will, we just have to finish recording. Do you think I wouldn't be?" Harry responded with his eyes wide tilting up at Nick from where he was essentially sprawled out across him"...wouldn't be back, that is." Harry tagged on the end when Nick's reply was absent.

"I don't know," Nick shrugged, "LA's a magical place." He tried to laugh but it came out a bit weak in comparison to his normal laugh.

Harry tightened his arms, digging into Nick's jumper, a bit unsure of what he was implying but not really liking where it was heading, "I'm out there for a month if that. Then you're stuck with me again, right back to normal."

Nick nodded, taking a moment to pause and seemingly recompose himself before returning to the first part of their discussion, "Alright, well it's just a month yeah? Before you know it you'll be back here with your arse on my sofa. And it'll be good, getting everything finished before promo starts again. You've got the band around you, it'll be okay," he said, gaining a bit of momentum in his voice once again.

Somehow Nick's words grounded him more than he expected them to. He knew when he'd get back Nick would be here, he just worried about leaving, but the reassurance from Nick it'd be alright and the silent understanding that he was still welcome once he came back unravelled all the knots he didn't even know existed in his stomach.

Harry didn't even know if that was what Nick was meaning with his words, but he couldn't help if he took it that way. He needed Nick, and knowing he would be open to Harry being here when he was home made the whole thing so much better than he could explain.

Of course, it'd be nice if he could describe all of this and why it meant so much to him to Nick himself, but the silent acknowledgement in his head was alright for now, he could deal with the rest of it another time.

"You're right," Harry started slowly, "It's fine, I'm just not that looking forward to it, but it's good. It'll be good..." He trailed off, not really knowing where to go from here, he was wrapped around Nick and their bodies were almost melded together and all he could feel was his warmth and he'd be lying if he said it wasn't making his tummy flip every time Nick inhaled.

They'd both zoned out from the TV by this point, the sounds of the judge's comments were just background noises to give them space to just sit and savour the moments they had before Harry had to go.

He had no idea if Nick was dwelling on it too - didn't really have a clue what was going through his head at all right now, there was never really a moment silence when they were together, their time was filled with laughter and their voices and even if the TV was on they'd still be joking.

But this time it was just silenced by their thoughts as they were tucked together in the corner of Nick's living room, and Harry couldn't remember if he'd ever felt so beaming with love.

"Distract me?" Harry attempted to speak, his voice cracking a bit as his emotions got on top of him. He wanted to tell Nick everything but he just couldn't get past everything that was stopping him, and it was getting too much. "Can we do something?"

"I could take you out?" Nick shot back instantly as if he'd been waiting for Harry to speak.

Harry tried not to focus on the part of his brain that took that to mean a date, because that was not what he needed right now, and tried to focus on levelling his voice as much as possible to respond, "Where are you planning?"

Nick pondered a minute before opening his mouth, "I think Pixie's at a club tonight, we could go join her if you're up for that. Or we could just go out? There's a supposedly great place near that station close to yours, I haven't been yet so we could check it out, and then after you're close to your house if you want to crash there to get all your beauty sleep for travelling."

"Don't you still have the radio in the morning though? We can't really go clubbing tonight."

Nick hummed before piping up again, voice as jolly as ever, "It's your big night Haz, the last one before you go, so going out with a bang is always an option. Anyways, no point sitting here worrying about all your pop star business, getting out might be good. Fi will just have to deal with me being a bit of a grump between links."

Harry couldn't help but feel somehow touched that Nick was willing to go out with him before work, when he'd asked for a distraction he didn't quite anticipate this, he wouldn't have been impartial to a movie and some popcorn or even ridiculous sing alongs to The X Factor. But maybe getting out would help clear his head a bit, just give him a good time with Nick before tomorrow was crashing down on him.

But still, however soppy it sounded, Harry wanted to spend every moment he possibly could with Nick, and he even though they'd be heading out together he knew they might end up getting split up, and spending time at a club was never the same as tucked up with Nick after all.

"I thought it was your rule not to go out on Sunday's?" Harry queried, trying to make sure what Nick was proposing before he actually considered the plans.

"Ah young Harold, rules are meant to be broken, and if there was ever such an occasion to break them then today would be that day." He laughed, no trace of whatever the previous emotion was that was coating his sound, making Harry grin back instantly - he couldn't help it when it came to Nick.

"Really pushing the boat out there, I see." Harry giggled, sitting up slightly more to give himself some breathing room to think this through.

It wasn't like it was the biggest decision in the world, not even really a hard one. But it seemed like it mattered more tonight, for whatever reason, the build up of emotions, the thought of leaving - whatever it was it felt important.

And he wanted to be with Nick, spend all the time he could with him, soaking in his laugh and memorising his smile lines before he left. But he needed to admit to himself his feelings were getting out of hand, and he really had no clue how to deal with it. So maybe a couple drinks and a bit of a dance would get his mind off it, and then he could relax and enjoy his time with Nick.

"Yeah alright then," Harry perked up, "If you're sure then that'd be lovely." He smiled at Nick as he drew away completely, doing his hardest to try not to focus on how cold he felt once he'd let go of Nick.

"Course," Nick grinned in return, looking more excited than Harry expected him to at the concept of going out, it had been a while for both of them after all, they'd been spending all their weekends together up late with shitty rom-com's on, and every weeknight to bed early for Nick's ridiculously early wake up, so the prospect of this was rather exciting.

"You fancy joining Pixie? Or are you up for the new one, I can't remember its name but Henry said he loved it, I'm sure I can find it again in a bit."

"Ooh, can we go to the new one? Love a good new crowd, and Henry's tastes are always delightful, as we know." Harry wiggled his eyebrows while he giggled, because surprisingly enough, last time Henry had recommended a bar Nick'd ended up caught in a catfight and came home with three drinks down his outfit - although that wasn't the bar's fault, Nick did have a good joke about it being perfect for Henry when his experience was anything but.

"That sounds perfect. Might want to change before we head out though darling, not too sure how your fancy suit-without-a-jacket deal will hold out on a sweaty dance floor with a cosmo." Nick laughed, digging for the remote to flick X Factor off before standing up and heading to the doorway.

"Hey," Harry whined, "I think this would go down quite well if you ask me," dragging himself to his feet as he uttered the words, ready to follow Nick on the hunt for some vaguely more suitable clothing.

"Are we stopping at yours on the way to change or what?"

"Oh, can I not just borrow something of yours? Perks of the whole same size thing." Harry furrowed his brows, a bit confused as to why Nick would suggest that when they'd done this routine several times before, and never had it included a stop at Harry's house to change.

Nick stumbled a bit, stopping moving as he struggled to answer, "Uh, yeah sure, yeah of course." He said shakily, before starting to move again, he headed for the stairs and indicated for Harry to follow.

"Is that alright?" Harry made sure to ask again, following him up the stairs a bit gingerly, ever so slightly confused as to why Nick seemed a bit taken back by his request, but being unable to follow him nevertheless.

"Absolutely, why wouldn't it be?"

Which was weirdly enough the same question Harry was asking himself, but Nick's tone seemed a lot perkier, so Harry didn't decide to question it any further, he didn't see why it'd be a problem, and he trusted if it was for whatever reason, then Nick would say. But that didn't mean he wasn't a bit confused.

"Mind Puppy," Nick muttered as they entered his room, sounding ever so fond," She's started to camp out in here now, she's rather partial to a good munch on my slippers."

"Slippers Nick? Really? When do you wear those?"

"They're comfy! Don't attack me Styles, I know you love them too."

Harry laughed, knowing full well his Christmas present would be a pair of slippers, then bent over to pet at Puppy's head while she dozed on the end of Nick's bed while he started to rummage in his wardrobe.

"Anything in mind, love? I've got some of your ridiculously fashionable shirts here that you've left behind, sure you'd blend in a treat with those."

Harry abandoned Puppy to her sleep before joining Nick gazing at his vast array of clothes, "How 'bout this," Harry nudged at Nick's side as he poked at one of Nick's shirts, remembering that he'd seen Nick in it not too long ago, and he couldn't deny how fond of it he was - whether that was because Nick looked good in it or it was the shirt itself was another question, but Harry cast that thought aside as fast as he could.

"Go for it, but when it gets lost in your wash and I spot you with it a few months from now then I will remember this." Nick joked, grabbing a clean plain t-shirt for himself as he did so, before heading to his bathroom to change.

Harry grinned as he threw his own shirt over his head and somewhere onto Nick's floor, taking a moment to appreciate that he should've probably put it somewhere more careful considering it's price, but choosing to spend his time pulling Nick's shirt off the hanger and over his head instead of fixing the issue.

Almost as soon as he'd yanked it over his head, Nick was walking out from the bathroom, and Harry watched him stop when his eyes met Harry's before gazing down his chest to admire the shirt.

It was a dark grey one, with white diamond patterns covering the whole thing, which probably should look a bit garish, but Nick pulled it off when he wore it, and Harry could only hope he did the same.

"Does it look alright?" Harry smiled softly, he stroked his hand down his arm to feel take in how soft it was before looking down to try and see how it looked, feeling unreasonably content that he was wearing Nick's shirt.

It took Nick a moment to reply, but when he did the words were flowing out of his mouth, "Um- yeah, got to say, love, not too sure why I bother with all these clothes when you stick something on and look like a model turned literal God."

Harry looked up to see Nick grinning, he couldn't tell whether he was just being Nick or if he sincerely meant his words, either way, he couldn't stop the faint flush forming at his cheeks.

"Yeah? So it looks okay?"

"Yeah love," Nick said with a huff of a laugh, "It looks okay, I'd stretch to good personally, but sure, it looks okay."

Harry could feel his smile almost taking over his face, something about Nick's words never failed to have such an effect on him, and this time was certainly no different.

He watched as Nick paced around the room on the hunt for his jacket, then stopping just to gaze at Harry again. Harry didn't quite understand why - it wasn't like this wasn't part of his everyday attire, to be fair it was probably worse, the shirt with his slacks might not be the best look. But who was Harry to question Nick and his gazes, he was more than happy to pretend they meant more than they did and preen under his eyes, trying to ignore just for one moment how that might not be the healthiest of options right now.

"Don't suppose I've left any of my jeans over here, have I?" Harry questioned eventually after he'd got a better hold of himself and adapted to the feel of Nick's shirt hanging off his shoulders.

"I'm sure you have, I've found myself attempting to pull on your jeans more often than not lately, they'll be somewhere 'round here. I'm convinced at some point your whole wardrobe is going to find its way into my house the way this is going."

"You say that like it's a bad thing." Harry grinned happily, before turning around and starting to search around for his trousers, not hesitating to shove the ones he was currently wearing down and replacing them with the jeans as soon as he found them.

"Haz love, not that I don't appreciate seeing your pants, but there is a bathroom you know."

"I know," Harry grinned, turning back round to face Nick, realising he hadn't moved at all besides pulling his jacket on and running a hand through his hair by the looks of it.

Harry's smile seemed to knock him out of whatever trance he'd ended up in, however. He broke out into a smile too, which only made Harry's brighter, then asked if he needed anything else and after a confirmation that they were good to go, Nick lead them back downstairs.

Harry followed him along, joking around about the questionable new piece of artwork in Nick's hallway, which he defended with his whole being while Harry mocked it, mostly for Nick's reaction if anything else, he didn't hate it, but then again it was so classically Nick how could he? And then before they knew it the taxi Nick had called as they were walking downstairs arrived and they were clambering into the backseat.

Nick called out the name of the new club, waiting for the driver to nod with recognition before settling back into the seat and smiling over at Harry.

Halfway through the journey, Nick had gotten his phone out to post a little video from out the window, which had started an eager debate about captions - Harry was rather fond of '#LondonWithTheLads' but instead Nick had gone for a simple green heart, which was probably the better option, but Harry couldn't help the pout that had stumbled onto his face.

Just as Nick had given Harry permission to caption his next post, they were pulling up outside, and Nick was grasping Harry's hand in his own to pull him out the car.

And - well, quite frankly Harry's heart had a bit of a moment.

Nick's fingers were intertwined with his own, nestled together in such a way that Harry found himself tightening the grip and clinging on with his own.

He forced himself to calm down and try not to crush Nick's hand but something about Nick gently tugging him forward to lead him towards the entrance with their palms pressed together and fingers locked just left him overwhelmed.

It was only holding hands for god's sake, but the thing was they didn't do this. In fact, Harry couldn't remember seeing Nick link hands with anyone for as long as he'd known him, and he just wasn't quite sure how to process it now that he was doing exactly that with him.

His eyes were locked on their hands even when they came to a stop, Harry could hear Nick addressing the bouncer but even that wasn't enough to snap his head up and pay some attention, all he could think about was Nick and his fucking long fingered hands.

He didn't even understand why, less than an hour ago he'd been cuddled up basically on top of Nick, so why now was he freaking out over the small touch of contact their hands had.

Harry felt he was tricking himself into making it mean something, and Nick just didn't want to lose sight of him before going in, it did seem quite loud outside and the last thing they wanted was some commotion with fans or the like.

But that was another point, they were outside, not exactly hidden from any paps or just standers by ready to capture their actions on camera to sell out to the gossip magazines. And normally they didn't do this, they had some sort of unspoken agreement that they were as touchy as they liked inside but they never usually did things like this around so many people.

Harry didn't even know what this was, but that didn't stop him trying to analyse the situation from every angle. But then Nick was squeezing his hand, and Harry's head shot up to look at him as he instinctively clutched back.

"You good to go in now yeah?" Nick murmured gently, sounding as soft as ever, somehow managing to keep the tone light despite having to talk quite loud to make his words carry over the noise already flowing out the doors from inside.

Harry looked up at him with his eyes open wide, feeling as if he was melting and Nick's hand on his own was the only thing keeping him together. He made sure to nod at Nick so it didn't completely look as though he was blanking out his question, and then with a soft smile drawn upon Nick's lips, they went inside.

The atmosphere inside was such a drastic contrast to Harry's emotions, the music pounding and the energy flowing was flowing over him and the heat and intensity had already started to set in, but still, his main focus was the warmth stemming from Nick.

But then Nick started to draw his hand away, brushing their knuckles together softly as he untwisted their fingers and let his hand fall back down to his side. Harry let his flop back down, trying not to let the disappointment show on his face as he did so. He knew he couldn't hold onto Nick's hand forever, especially not in a club, but that didn't stop him wanting to try.

"You want a drink?" Nick asked, filling the weird silence Harry felt despite being surrounded by noise.

"Nah, I'm good." Harry eventually answered, huddling up close to Nick's side so he could be sure he heard him, and well, because he just wanted to be nestled into Nick, "You want one?"

"Yeah, if you don't mind coming with?" Nick proposed, waiting for Harry to nod in return before scoping out the bar and heading that way.

Harry trailed along behind him, trying not to pout over the lack of contact between them after the brief hand holding before. He knew they shouldn't, but it didn't seem as though anyone had recognised them yet, or if they had were willing to do anything about it. But then again Harry wasn't exactly paying attention, his eyes had been trained on Nick near enough the whole evening to be quite honest.

"Have a vodka and coke, please - oh and just a normal coke," Nick called over to the bartender walking his way, then turned his head to Harry to let a gentle smile take over his face.

Harry was helpless not to grin back, huddling up to Nick's side as people crowded up beside them. Not making any conversation between them, just happy to enjoy Nick's presence and letting himself adjust to the new surroundings.

It was a rather nice club after all - even if his attention was centred around Nick, he could still take it in. It had posh fancy lights hanging from the ceiling that reminded Harry of the lights the club Nick first took him too when he had a DJ gig, and the bar was compact and tucked in the corner but seemed to have hoards of people bustling around.

He was glad they decided to come out after all, he wasn't really sure how well he'd be coping with being cooped inside with Nick on their last night without some form of distraction, not that it wasn't questionable how well he was coping being out with him either, because it was, but he was holding out and focusing on the moment instead of letting his head run away with him, and that was what he needed right now.

That was until he looked up at Nick and caught his eyes racing around the club, before settling on a young man, younger than Harry perhaps, and then narrowing his eyes as he followed his movements.

Harry began to tense up, he knew what Nick looked like on the prowl, he'd had to endure watching it enough times over the years, and he knew that was what was happening again, whether he was jumping to a conclusion or not, he felt the warmth rush out of his body as froze.

It'd been quite a while since Harry had caught Nick doing something like this after all, despite the shocking familiarity of the situation, he couldn't help but feel different about it.

He couldn't remember the crushing feeling sinking in his chest the last time Nick'd admired someone on their nights out, then again he couldn't remember having such strong feelings last time.

Harry didn't quite know how to react, he knew he was sort of spiralling into a mental overdrive but fuck something about it just hurt.

This was supposed to be their last night together, and Harry wanted to make the most of it, but if Nick wanted to take someone home then that was up to him. He couldn't stop him, after all, no matter how much he wanted to.

Harry let his eyes rove over the guy Nick still seemed to be focusing on, he took in the slight curl to his warm brown hair and his stature that held him tall and confident with a matching sparkling smile.

And well Harry didn't want to dislike the lad, but he couldn't help but wish he were the one Nick was eyeing up, and it just left a bitter taste in his mouth.

It shocked him how fast he'd reacted to the situation, Nick hadn't even gone over, barely even made it obvious he was eying him up, Harry couldn't tell if he'd got it wrong and Nick recognised him from a past hook up or something of the like, but now there was no hope of justifying it, his heart had run off with his feelings without him so any efforts to calm himself down and see the situation play out were thrown out the window. But he just knew he couldn't cope if Nick took it further with whoever this was.

Harry was suddenly overcome with a need for Nick he wasn't sure he'd ever had before, it felt like a heavy ache set in around his limbs along with a rush of desire to be wanted by Nick.

As much as he tried to push the emotions down and deal with the situation as he should've, he came to a bit of a snap decision that he couldn't deal with feeling this way any longer - he couldn't stand around and watch Nick eye up other young lads while he was here pining, it was just too much.

He didn't even understand why this changed things for him, he knew Nick was out and about and having his fun, but being fronted with it, and physically feeling how he longed to be it for Nick felt like a punch to the gut.

He had to tell Nick how he felt. He could break his heart and tell him to fuck off if he wanted, Harry could deal with that when it came, but right now there was no way this could go on any longer, he couldn't cope with whatever was going on right now. He was just scared.

Harry's feelings had gone on long enough that by now he would've thought he'd have had some idea of what the conversation would entail when he came to face them, but now that he was set on it, he didn't quite have a clue.

Honestly, he didn't quite have a clue on anything right then.

He watched as the bartender caught Nick's attention, drawn away from his thoughts for one moment as their drinks were slid across to then and Nick was taking a sip.

Harry tried hard not to notice the flutter of his eyelashes or the bob of his throat when he swallowed, but he couldn't resist in the end. He was staring at Nick just like he had stared at that boy moments prior.

Fuck it - he needed that drink, after all, maybe a good dose of something strong would provide him with the courage to do something about his fucking feelings once and for all, at least this way if Nick wanted him gone he was already going out the way in the morning.

So he called out to the bartender who was spinning on their heels as he spoke and then said, "Actually yeah - I'll have one of those too. And some shots if that's okay."

He saw Nick quirk a brow out of the corner of his eye, but he paid no attention, focusing on the person eventually returning with the drinks, before swigging a shot back and attempting to banish the sight of Nick and that boy from his head before it got out of hand.

And then he dragged Nick up to dance, pulling him far away from where the other boy was at and hoped something would come of this.

***

Nick slammed the door shut behind him as he tried to focus on supporting Harry through it and onto his sofa with out tripping over, which was way harder than it should've been given that Harry was almost impressively drunk and clinging onto his shirt.

Nick didn't really understand how they'd arrived here, but quite frankly he wasn't sure if delving into that kettle of fish was a good plan right now.

He'd thought spending time with Harry at the club would give him something to stop him focusing on the impending moment he leaves, but somewhere along the line Harry had had a few too many and was grinding against his thigh for half the night.

His stomach curled with an ache that told him he should've pushed him away, they could've been caught to start with and despite Nick being sure Harry's actions were unintentional, he was just drunk after all, he knew how it looked, and it wouldn't exactly be good if it had gotten out.

Nevermind that though, the important thing was the rip Nick could feel forming inside his chest when he longed to never let that moment go. He knew Harry was drunk, and young, and shouldn't be grinding on Nick's fucking thigh, but this time he just couldn't resist. And he knew how pathetic that sounded - couldn't keep away from the 18-year-old heartthrob, but his emotions were running high and the thoughts of Harry leaving just spurred him on.

So if he let Harry grind against him in a dance designed for sex clubs well then who could blame him.

After an insurmountable amount of time had passed, he had eventually managed to drag Harry away, when they were both glistening with shines of sweat and their voices raw from all the shouting just before Nick called them a car to come and take them home.

The moment they'd stepped into the car and Harry had huddled into Nick's side, choosing the middle seat in the back instead of the left one, Nick had called out Harry's address to the driver up front.

But within moments of the words leaving his mouth, Harry was pawing at his thigh - which did wonders to his already half hard cock, before pouting and complaining about wanting to go back to Nick's, not his own house.

"I'll be up in a couple hours love, there's no point coming back to mine." Nick tried to reason, feeling increasingly aware of Harry's hand rubbing a bit too close to his dick for comfort.

But Harry seemed oblivious as he continued to pout, "Even if I was at my own house, I'd still wake up to listen, and I want to be with you anyway." Harry mumbled slowly, the alcohol obvious in his tone, increasing in intensity as he begun to insist he came to Nick's.

Quite frankly, Nick had no fucking clue what Harry was on about, he dare not think about it for too long, in case he started to get ideas, but by this point he'd lost all persuasion he had in him, because really he didn't want Harry to go either, he wanted to spend every moment he could with the man before the pain of him leaving again set in.

They weren't even together for fuck's sake, but that didn't stop Nick from dreading every minute that went by just because it brought them closer to Harry's departure.

So Nick caved in, he nodded peacefully at Harry before bending forward and letting the driver know the change of plans back to his house, then he settled back into his seat just in time for Harry to flop his head onto Nick's shoulder, before mumbling something about wishing they'd have played some 1d in there.

Nick tried not to tense up at the action, wanting so badly for it to mean something but trying with all his heart to stop it and just take care of Harry as a friend and not let himself get carried away. He would never take advantage of Harry, and the thought of him enjoying Harry's actions further than how he meant them made him feel a little sick.

But they were home now, well, Nick's home, calling it their home was a dangerous mindset that Nick preferred not to tamper with if he could help it. And he'd finally gotten Harry to collapse on the sofa, his legs giving way as he let his body relax into the cushions.

"Hey Nick," Harry whined, "I think I'm a bit drunk."

"Well pop star, I never would've guessed." Nick joked, unable to prevent the soft smile appearing on his face, "You feeling alright?"

"Hmm," Harry hummed, nuzzling his head further into one of Nick's pillows. Nick tried not to admire the red painted on his lips and the slight flushed tint to his cheeks but he couldn't really help it when Harry was just sprawled out across his own sofa.

It was bloody unfair it was. Why couldn't Nick have fallen for someone who wasn't an international pop star who wasn't even home for half the year?

And why did he feel like he was melting every time Harry smiled at him.

"Darling, give me a bit more than a 'hmm'." Nick attempted to joke, brushing his thoughts away, knowing full well he had the time to be plagued by them once Harry's left, not wanting to waste time now with his ridiculous moral dilemma.

"Hmm," Harry started again, before giggling, "I'm wonderful, thank you for inquiring Nick."

Nick fondly shakes his head, taking a moment to realise this might not have been the best idea in case Harry's hungover on the plane tomorrow, he cursed his past self for not thinking of this sooner, but he couldn't blame himself for not realising, no matter how many times he'd thought of Harry leaving tomorrow, none of those times involved needing to go out and get lost in some club with the comfort of some drinks just to deal with being around Harry for the last time in a little while.

Nick couldn't let himself think about it anymore, not right now at least, he had to just make sure Harry was okay and get him into bed and then he could collapse, inevitably using up his time before radio debating on the whole that was his feelings.

He tried to focus on fetching a glass of water for Harry from the kitchen, picking up a faded overused mug and filling it up to the brim from the tap before giving himself a moment to compose himself before he strode back into the living room, holding his hand out to pass it to Harry.

"Is that for me?" Harry slurred with his eyes surprisingly wide.

"No, it's for the ghost in the corner. Of course, it is." Nick snorted, covering up the soft soppy noise he was about to let out when he'd eyed how cosy and soft Harry had made himself already.

Harry pulled himself up until he was slouching in the corner of the sofa, and stretching out to grab the drink Nick had gotten for him, before guzzling it down in a couple gulps.

"Thirsty much?" Nick laughed as he took the glass away from Harry's hand and placed it somewhere on his coffee table, way more fussed in watching Harry shuffle around than wondering about the placement of a single glass.

"Are you drunk?" Harry asked once he seemed eventually comfy, narrowing his brows as if this was genuinely puzzling him.

"A bit, I didn't drink as much as you though, with the radio tomorrow - today, whenever it is." Nick resisted the urge to lean over and run his fingers through Harry's soft curls, using his energy to settle himself down the other side of the sofa, as far away as he could be from Harry, hoping it might limit the need to touch him.

They sat in the silence for a little while, Nick allowing himself to sink into the rhythm of Harry breathing and trying to draw his attention towards the night and resting all his attention on Harry, trying his hardest to ignore anything further than them being there together.

But then Harry let out a soft gentle whine, looking over at Nick, looking insanely beautiful with his ruffled hair and soft blushed face, and Nick would be lying if he said he couldn't feel a bit of his heart melt.

The next thing Nick knew was Harry clambering over to his side and huddling up against him, his head tucking instantly into Nick's neck and his legs overlapping onto his as he almost positioned himself in his lap.

Nick shot his hands out to try and keep Harry on his side and not on him, but once his hands were curled around Harry's hips, Harry made a content sigh and nuzzled up close, and there was no way Nick could let go.

"Can we watch the notebook?" Harry whispered softly, breath casting across Nick's neck causing him to break out in shivers.

"You and that movie Haz I swear," Nick huffed out lightly, narrowly avoiding the trace of emotion to get caught up in his tone. "One day you'll end up marrying the DVD and no one will be surprised."

"I like it, it's a classic. Everyone loves a rom-com." Harry's lips brushed against Nick's skin as he spoke, and all Nick could do was freeze. "It reminds me of you because we've watched it so much."

That's- well, Nick didn't quite know how to react. He felt as if his skin was tingling around where Harry's mouth was, and his ears ringing with his words.

Hadn't Harry watched it more times on his own? They hadn't watched it together that much, so Nick had no fucking clue what he was on about. However, that didn't stop the warmth settle deep in his gut, something reminding Harry of him did things to him he couldn't even explain, and that combined with the gentle press of his lips was too much to handle.

He stayed silent, trying to convince himself Harry meant nothing by it because of course, he didn't, how could he?

So Nick flooded his thoughts with the reasoning that Harry was drunk and saying things he doesn't mean, eventually managing to shift the warmth floating into his bloodstream and banish it somewhere far away where it hopefully wouldn't destroy him.

He focused on finding the movie on the TV, scrolling through the selection until he pressed on the title, hearing Harry let out a soft but slurred 'thank you' under his breath before tucking himself in impossibly closer to Nick.

And Nick tried to watch the film, he really did, but with Harry sat essentially on his lap with his breath fanning across his jaw as he whispered along to some of the words, he found it especially difficult.

It was moments like these that made the whole thing so much harder, in almost every way. When Harry left tomorrow Nick knew he'd resume craving his company, as usual, only this time he won't only miss that, he'll miss the closeness they seem to have formed since Harry's returned home.

The big mound of emotions Nick felt for Harry was slowly but surely getting out of control, and he knew he needed to shut it down, but every moment they had together just made it harder and harder and even when Harry was away and he was beginning to get over him he'd fall right back into the trap the moment Harry was home.

It was driving him ever so slightly insane, to say the least. His feelings kept growing and growing and he knew couldn't pine after a pop star forever, but he let himself have this, for now at least, and tomorrow, a new day with Harry gone, he'd try again to stop being so stupid and move on.

But then Harry's nose was nudging at Nick's chin, with his eyes looking up through his lashes, all wide and soft and it turned Nick's entire body to mush. Harry was so close and Nick could hear his breathing and feel it casting over his skin and it took everything he had in him not to react.

He opened his mouth to speak but no words came out, his mind was quite frankly the brain equivalent of a black hole. But when Harry noticed his parted lips, his eyes flicked down to stare, and despite the movie playing in the background, Nick couldn't miss the sharp breath he took before his eyes shot back up to his own.

Nick would be lying if he said he was calm, his head was yelling at him to pull Harry away and focus on the movie, but everything else inside him was obsessing over how utterly gorgeous Harry looked and how gentle and inviting he was with his head less than an inch away from his own.

And before he knew it, Nick's hand was laced in Harry's hair and twining into his curls, not pushing him away or pulling him closer, just securing him there, and fuck Nick knew this wasn't good, he couldn't have Harry so why he was tempting himself was beyond him, but he simply couldn't stop.

Then Harry shuffled forward, balancing his hand against Nick's side and the other at his neck, and drove forward until their lips were touching, light and gentle as Harry nudged them together.

It was safe to say Nick was a total wreck, shivers were streaming through his body as Harry touched him, he could feel every press of his fingers and every soft kiss he pushed against his lips.

Harry was encasing him in what felt like some sort of fucking love cocoon that he couldn't escape from, and the real issue was that even if he could, he didn't want to.

Harry's lips felt so good on his own and he just wanted to let himself dissolve into it and express every single one of his feelings he's ever felt towards him.

But he couldn't, he couldn't let himself, for a multitude of reasons that Nick hated to acknowledge, but couldn't ignore.

He could never have Harry, not in the way he needed him. He'd always be jet setting off around the world and Nick would always be stuck here in London missing him, and he could barely cope with that as it was, let alone if they added in the whole being together thing.

And besides, Harry would never want that anyway, he's young and wants to go explore the world, not feel trapped with him back at home. He's got the whole world ready to fall at his feet so choosing him would just be ridiculous.

Nick hated that he was letting Harry mould his body against him, hated that he'd been drawn in, because what was Harry even doing anyway? It felt like he was just messing with his feelings before he went away, and he knew Harry would never do that, just - he was a bit overwhelmed.

But the point was they couldn't do this, no way in hell could Nick just let himself sink into Harry's lips pressing into his own, no matter how much he wanted to, he couldn't.

The final straw was Harry whining against his mouth when he wasn't getting much back, trying to press his tongue forward into Nick's mouth, but Nick quickly made sure to grab Harry's hips and pull him away, before any more damage could be done.

"Harry," Nick muttered lowly, failing to keep his tone steady, "What are we doing."

Harry pulled away slightly, going slack as he let Nick's hands around his hips to keep him up, before letting out a shaky exhale against Nick's mouth.

He didn't reply, but he did look at Nick, all wide eyed and innocent, as if he had no idea what he was doing to Nick, and as if it weren't destroying him.

The longer they sat there staring into each other's eyes, the longer Nick's heart felt as if it was about to beat right out of his chest. What was Harry doing to him? God, he was so fucked.

"Please," Harry broke the silence, pleading in an almost hushed whimper.

And the whole resolve Nick was beginning to build up, the words telling him to stop that were resting on the tip of his tongue had all dissolved, all because of one fucking word out of Harry's mouth.

So when Harry leaned in a second time, this time with more hesitance, Nick couldn't resist, his head was pounding and Harry was everywhere, infecting every inch of his body until he felt as if he could only breathe with Harry's lips pressed against his.

He had no idea what he was doing, Harry was drunk for god's sake, and he wasn't exactly sober himself, they were risking their whole friendship on some drunk snog Harry probably wouldn't even remember in the morning.

He hated himself, absolutely despised himself for letting himself give in to this, Harry was drunk, he didn't want this, he couldn't want him, and the thought of taking advantage of him bolted to his core in a flurry of panic he wanted to shove far away and never cross into again.

But he couldn't pull away, his mind was running a thousand fucking miles a second and he was stuck, trapped in by his feelings that would never be a reality.

Harry was drunk, and wanting a snog. That was all. He just had to focus on that, if Harry was so determined to kiss him and Nick was helpless to pull away, he had to keep himself afloat from the ridiculous mound of emotions fighting their way out and convince himself this meant nothing.

Nick felt Harry's fingers twist into his shirt, exposing some of the flesh around his hips, and a jolt of want rushed through him as Harry started to clash their mouths together, drawing his tongue in against Nick's bottom lip, hunting for access as if he were so desperate he'd collapse if he didn't get it.

But that wasn't true, Nick had to remember that, he couldn't let himself believe any of this, he'd already let himself melt into the feel of Harry's mouth against his own, he couldn't make it worse by imagining this meant anything.

So Nick attempted to shift the pile of increasing worries in his head to the side and tried to set everything in him on the kiss, focusing on letting his tongue brush against Harry's, feeling the energy buzz between them as Harry panted into his mouth.

The kiss was slow, but somehow filled with passion and the exact emotions Nick was trying to hide away from, so he pushed back harder, transforming the kiss into a crushing melding of heat as they clashed their teeth together.

Nick has no fucking idea in the world how he's ever going to go back to being friends with Harry after this, tasting him pushed him past what he could handle and now he knew there was almost no return.

He'd gone some plain stupid things to do with Harry before, but he had to admit this was the worst, getting back from this might take months if not years to recover or remove this memory from his heard - not that he wanted to, that was the last thing he wanted. But it wasn't like he could just pretend it never happened, and he couldn't be Harry's friend with the taste of his mouth imprinted in his head forever.

That was irrelevant right now anyway, especially considering Harry was clambering over into Nick's lap and he was spreading his thighs to rest his weight on him with his hands clawing at his skin.

Nick held back a moan as he sucked hard on Harry's tongue, then jolted backwards the moment Harry started to whine and grind himself against him, "Harry no, we can't do this." Nick stated, breathless and panting.

Although stopping was the last thing he wanted to do, kissing him was reckless enough, never mind going further, and he was drunk and knowing he'd already snogged him senseless while inebriated was already playing on his mind causing him to shut down, so anymore would destroy him with guilt, let alone when Harry woke up regretting everything and before he knew it he would be losing Harry forever.

"What?" Harry asked, his voice deep but filled with emotion, which Nick didn't understand but he had no time to think about it before Harry's diving in and connecting their lips once again.

Nick had frozen, the moment apart and the realisation dawning on him just how fucked he was had caught up with him and he'd come to the conclusion how badly he'd messed up here.

He ached for Harry, to kiss him and stick his tongue in his mouth and get him off slowly and then fast and hard and everything in between, he could feel the intensity glowing from inside as the feelings grew. But Harry didn't feel the same, he couldn't let himself be so stupid to sink into this again.

"No." Nick whispered again, sounding uncharacteristically flat, "Please, we can't."

Harry's breath cast over his lips once more as he pulled their lips apart, still close enough to make Nick tremble, then he sat back on his thighs as he perched in Nick's lap, the distance giving Nick some time to recover both his breath and his emotions from whatever the fuck that just was.

They had kissed. And Nick had no clue what he was going to do now.

His head was whirring like mad, every siren going off at once letting him know how fucked he was and how silly he'd been to let himself get in this position. Because it meant nothing, but to Nick it meant everything. And that wasn't something he could just deal with.

When he felt as if he could look at Harry without his heart stopping, he caught the sad look in his eye and mixed with his slouched posture Nick almost couldn't cope, but he knew it'd be better this way, because Harry doesn't want him, and he's not willing to fuck things up with them just for a snog. So despite wanting to shower Harry with smiles and affection and humour until his frowns go away, he stays motionless, trying to find something to say to fill the space between them.

"Did you want to go to bed?" Harry asked eventually after Nick had found himself for once in his life speechless.

"Probably yeah, it's late now," Nick murmured as he stared at Harry's lips which looked red and a bit swollen as he wondered if he looked the same.

"Alright... Yeah okay," Harry said, trailing off as he lifted himself off Nick's lap and positioned himself by his side once again, only this time with a little more space between them.

And despite the ridiculousness of the whole situation, Nick couldn't help but let out a sigh of relief from gaining that space between them, feeling his core relax a bit. There was still a small part of him that found himself missing Harry's body pressed against him which he just couldn't get rid of no matter how conflicting it was. He cursed himself that he'd let himself have that much, because now nothing would be enough or even comparable to that.

Before his head ran away with itself again, he tried to stumble to his feet, unsure of what to do once he was standing with Harry sitting on the sofa as if he was pondering the meaning of life.

"You going to get some sleep too, yeah?" Nick prompted Harry when he showed no signs of movement.

"Yeah, yeah I will," Harry mumbled shuffling to the edge of the sofa, his voice still coated with a layer of something Nick couldn't put his finger on, but he dismissed it again when Harry tried to stand up and precariously wobbled on his feet.

Nick's arms shot out to steady him and Harry sunk into him as he let Nick hold himself up once again, just for a second however, because before he knew it Harry was pulling himself away holding himself at arm's length, still with Nick's hands around him but standing tall on his own.

"Sorry, just a bit dizzy," Harry whispered, refusing to look Nick in the eye.

And that was the real moment Nick felt everything had gone to shit.

He'd snogged Harry and now he couldn't even look him in the eye, god what had Nick done, this was exactly why he'd avoided pushing the boundaries of their friendship, ignoring his heart for the logicality of the situation. But this time it had gone too far and the knowledge he might've ruined what they already had settled like a weight in his stomach.

"Let's get you to bed yeah?" Nick said instead, failing to iron out the croak in his tone. He had plenty time while Harry was away to sift through the never ending thoughts and feelings he'd bottled up for so long, so, for now, he just had to get them both settled, and pretend it was okay.

So with a nod of confirmation which looked more like a nod of resignation than anything else, Nick gently took Harry's arm, trying not to focus on how his lips still tingled and how much he wanted to kiss him again but failing drastically as he lead him up the stairs to his spare room with nothing else on his mind.

If only he could've fallen for Harry's fucking lookalike he'd spotted at the club, maybe then he wouldn't be in this mess, trying to deal with emotions he couldn't handle.

He watched as Harry flopped on the bed with a pout that was swiftly covered up with the sheets as he nuzzled his face in and breathed into the pillow, and Nick ignored the tug in his heart telling him to cuddle up next to him in favour of backing out of the room, whispering a short 'good night love' as he closed the door behind him.

Then he headed to his own room, sat on the bed looking down at the floor, wondering what the everloving fuck he was going to do now.


End file.
